...and have been wondering where I've been the last couple of years, you might want to try my actual blog at
Welcome to Week Four of the 2008 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we fell faster than AIG stock.
The Hoser stumbled to a 7-9 week against the spread and missed both the Lock of the Week and (of course) the Trifecta. Going 12-4 straight up is absolutely no consolation, especially considering our friend Jungle Dan picked up nearly $4,000 on the Pro Picks Pool by hitting 15 games.What’s his secret? Dan had a little late cash come his way and filled out the card on his way to the gas station. He did pick 75% home winners, but which game did he miss, you ask? The freaking Cleveland/Baltimore game. That proves he was almost choosing at random, especially considering he got Miami over New England.
Meanwhile, we here at Hoser Central were deeply saddened by the firing of Lions GM Matt Millen. We can only hope he lands another job – as we have about six months’ worth of material already in the can.
If you have knees and a heart, join The Hoser and his staff in saying a little prayer for Tampa Bay kicker Matt Bryant and his family, who lost their six-month-old son this week. You’re in our thoughts, folks.
Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as not forcing Al Davis to take his meds.
Denver (-9.5) at KANSAS CITY – O/U 46.5: If Atlanta scored 38 on the Chiefs, how many will the Broncos run up? Too bad we don’t know how to make the infinity sign on this keyboard. Broncos 37, Chiefs 17.
Cleveland (+3) at CINCINNATI – O/U 43.5: Rumour has it former Pittsburgh Steelers head coach Bill Cowher has bought a house in the Cleveland area just in case Romeo Crennel gets canned. Just in case? Bengals 22, Browns 17.
Houston (+7.5) at JACKSONVILLE – O/U 41.5: So, Texans QB Matt Schaub throws three picks and keeps his starting gig? Who’s the back-up there – Garo Yepremian? Jaguars 24, Texans 17.
Arizona (+1.5) at N.Y. JETS – O/U 45: Could someone point out to us in which Jets game New York has looked better than the Cardinals in any of their games? God help us, we might make the Cards the Lock again. Arizona 29, New York Jets 19.
San Francisco (+6) at NEW ORLEANS – O/U 48.5: It boggles the mind to think Detroit fired Mike Martz last year, but kept Matt Millen until this week. That’s from the minds that kept making SUVs when gas went over $2 a gallon. Saints 30, 49ers 27.
Atlanta (+7.5) at CAROLINA – O/U 39.5: We said last week hopefully the Falcons learned the magic rule with two stud RBs and one young QB – two runs for every pass. A quick look at the stats shows Atlanta threw 18 times and ran 36. Someone’s actually listening out there! Panthers 22, Falcons 16.
Minnesota (+3.5) at TENNESSEE – O/U 36.5: Gus Frerotte vs. Kerry Collins. This game is so 1990s, they should have Roxette play the halftime show. Titans 24, Vikings 20.
Green Bay (+1.5) at TAMPA BAY – O/U 42: We don’t want to say Bucs WR Ike Hilliard is old … but he remembers when John McCain actually made sense when he talked. Packers 23, Buccaneers 20.
Buffalo (-8) at ST. LOUIS – O/U 42: Trent Green. Really. Mother*&^*ing Trent Green. Bills 33, Rams 14.
San Diego (-7) at OAKLAND – O/U 45.5: During this constant babble about Raiders head coach Lane Kiffin possibly losing his job, has anyone else kept hearing the Japanese guy from Better Off Dead saying, “Young Lane Myer …” Chargers 27, Raiders 14.
Washington (+11) at DALLAS – O/U 46.5: The Cowboys are the best team in football, and even a fired-up Washington squad will do nothing to stop the D-Train. Still, a late touchdown brings the game in under the line. Cowboys 31, Racists 21.
Philadelphia (-3) at CHICAGO – O/U 40.5: Word has leaked on why the Eagles are playing so well. Head coach Andy Reid has threatened to make his team wear those godawful periwinkle and yellow throwback jerseys again if they don’t put out. Eagles 23, Bears 17.
Baltimore (+5.5) at PITTSBURGH – O/U 34.5: Poor Ben Roethlisberger. Jenna Jameson never took a pounding that long and hard. Steelers 20, Ravens 17.
Lock of the Week: Denver
Trifecta: Denver, Buffalo, Arizona
Over/Under Good Buys: Buffalo/St. Louis OVER
Week Three Results:
Straight Up: 12-4
Against The Spread: 7-9
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money Banked: $+150
Season Results:
Straight Up: 32-15
Against The Spread: 25-20-2
Lock of the Week: 1-2
Trifecta: 1-2
Money Count: $-570
The Hoser’s format: The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.
How did this happen?
As much as I like vox I haven't been able to find a reason to use it. Until I do consider it mothballed. You can find me at teamryan.com.
You know, I'm not a total loony. In many ways, I'm more rational than one or two of you. Maybe. For example, I think Hitler was wrong about a great many things. He quit on his painting career way too quickly; he should have really pursued that. I suspect he would have had a much happier adulthood if he had just stuck with the art thing and laid off all that sordid race hatred and genocidal whatnot.
But if I may defend him for one moment, I think I get the whole moustache thing. Sometimes shaving that thing is just more than I can handle at that hour in the morning. My philtrum is so deep and impossible to shave sometimes that I can imgine Luke Skywalker flying his X-wing down it with a mess of tie fighters chasing him. Seriously, if Stella had a groove this deep, there wouldn't have been much of a movie.
I need a third punchline, and then I can put this topic away, maybe forever.
If you could eat anything you wanted, and not have to worry about gaining weight/being unhealthy/inhumane, what would you totally pig out on?
Submitted by Jay.
Pistachios. By the gallon.
I don't wanna swear it but it's something that I've heard/A gun in the first act always goes off in the third
- Peter Case
And secondly, Cenk Uygur says basically everything I could say about the Virginia thing:
Just think of some of the disturbing people you have met in your lifetime, whether they're the guy staring at you with that crazy look in his eye in the New York City subway or the really weird fellow at the rodeo who doesn't fit in with anyone. Your neighbors, your classmates, your co-workers. Think about all of them with guns. Man, if that doesn't scare the bejesus out of you, you don't live in the same place I do.
